After a lot of self-analysis, I came to a conclusion that there is a narcissist inside me. Now, there is an narcissist inside each and everyone of us but I’m talking about those whose narcissism is on the higher side. Before I write anything further, I want to give you few reasons why you should read this post. I’m sure that you must have encountered narcissists in your own life or maybe, you are one. Narcissists are not always those 5 selfies a day, arrogant and abusive kind of people. Yes, such people are narcissists but there are many other types. Some people are passive and show it in an indirect way. My narcissism is of a subtle kind (atleast most of the times). I hope that this post will help you in understanding these people. This is my personal experience and by no means am I saying that this is the only way narcissists think. And do remember: human beings are biased especially when it comes to analyzing themselves so take it with a pinch of salt.
While writing the above paragraph, I felt very good because when you are honest, people like it and there is a possibility of people admiring you (on the other hand, I’m also very afraid..this side of me is shameful. How can someone like a narcissist?). As a narcissist, that’s exactly I want. I’m always hungry for adulation. Now, not everything I do is because of this motive but everything I do, gets tainted with this motive.
I feel the need to be superior to others. Even my friends. Because I believe that if I’m not superior to them, they won’t like me or stay with me. This is ironical because who will stay with a person who treats them like an inferior? It’s even more ironical because there is a part of me that wants to love people..but how can I do that if I am hell bent in proving that I’m superior to them?
I will tell you why I want to feel superior to everybody. Please don’t think that I’m justifying my behavior and my thinking.
I want to feel superior because I feel inferior. I am afraid of being treated like an inferior so I convince myself that I’m superior. Confusing, right? Let’s say I’m meeting you for the first time. There is uncertainty because obviously, I don’t know you. You can hurt me. You can make me feel ashamed. To avoid this pain and shame, I convince myself (even before I know you) that you are inferior than me. Now, if you are inferior, then what you say won’t count because…you are inferior. In case, you treat me like an inferior, ridicule me or shame me, I can reduce my pain by just saying to myself that you are just an inferior person. This is a defense mechanism my ego has built to protect me from pain and vulnerability. Here’s the truth: I actually don’t think you are inferior. I’m just afraid that you might treat me as an inferior. So, all the irritating and offensive behavior is actually nothing but a strategy to deal with pain. For example: As an introvert, I’m afraid of extroverts calling me ‘boring.’ Since there are many extroverts around me, I convince myself that it is THEY who lead boring lives. I’m so afraid of people calling me ‘boring’ that I call them ‘boring’ (in my mind) before they have any chance to call me so. Another example: If a friend watched Bollywood cinema, I will watch Hollywood cinema and if they watch Hollywood cinema, I will watch world cinema..to feel superior.
If narcissists become famous then they will feel superior to a lot of people and if they are superior to a lot of people, there is a less possibility of people hurting them.
This is what I know about my narcissism. It is actually quite embarrassing to admit all this but wait…I can get praise for this as well :P. On a serious note, if you know a narcissist, maybe, he/she thinks like me. If that is the case, then you can talk to him/her and maybe find a way to make your relationship work. If a narcissist has made you feel inferior, maybe, this post can help you to deal with your pain. I hope this post has helped you in some way. Thanks for reading (waiting for additional praise for being nice :P)!