Read the first part here.
As you already know, I’m a narcissist. I like talking about myself. I often feel that the world revolves around me. Yeah, I write and talk about other things but inside, I’m just dying to talk about myself.
Sometimes, I treat people like pawns on a chessboard. I treat them like objects whose purpose is just to serve me. I don’t really care about other people’s dreams, needs and desires. No, I don’t directly dismiss their dreams or needs, I do it in a very clever and subtle manner. Somewhere, I feel that I am special and others are just ordinary. After a lot of self-analysis, I feel that narcissism is actually not a lack of interest in other people. This is contrary to what we generally think about narcissism but my personal experience as a narcissist has brought me to a different conclusion.
As a narcissist, I consider most people stupid because if they are not stupid, I would feel inferior (please read my earlier post to understand this better). For many years, I tried to deal with this inferiority complex by hanging out with people who were less intelligent/talented than me or people whose social status was lower than me. I even joined a workplace which I thought was full of people who were less talented than me. YES, I’m NOT lying. If I had to go to a shop and if there were two options: one a very sophisticated one and the other a ordinary one, I would go to the ordinary one. Why? In case I end up doing something embarrassing (Say mispronouncing a word), I could atleast say to myself that this place was full of ordinary people and what they think of me won’t matter. I was so afraid of pain and shame that I had to wear this armor of superiority all the time. I STILL do this/feel like this.
Here’s the truth about all this superiority game: IT DOESN’T WORK. No matter how ‘inferior’ I thought somebody was, if he/she said something mean, IT HURT ME. Isn’t this a proof that deep down, we respect the opinion of each and every human being regardless of how much money they have in their bank account? You can try this for yourself. Don’t you get hurt when complete strangers whisper and laugh at you? Don’t you have doubts in your mind? A narcissist wants to feel superior but deep down this need comes from the fear that we all are equal!
Yes, I am a narcissist and on surface, it seems as if I am not interested in your dreams or needs. But this is not the truth. I’m actually terrified of finding out that I am incapable of fulfilling your desires. I often act superior to my friends (in my mind). I act as if only my life is special. But I finally know why I do this: it’s because I’m afraid that my friends will exclude me. I’m afraid that I cannot be a great friend. I’m afraid that my friends won’t like me. To save myself from this fear and pain, I act as if other people’s lives are ordinary. As a defense mechanism, I act as if I am not interested in your life because I’m actually afraid that I AM NOT INTERESTING enough to fit into your group. I’m afraid that my life is not interesting enough. Even though I say that my life is special..I actually think that you are the one who is having a special life. What if the people who we think are ‘arrogant assholes’ are simply people trying to avoid shame and pain of exclusion from a group? Maybe, we all have a genuine interest in each others’ lives! Maybe, deep down we all believe that we all are equal…otherwise, why would we aggressively try to prove that we are superior to others?
I don’t know if every narcissist’s mind works like this. But this is what I found when I looked inside myself. Yes, even while writing this, my narcissism was quite active but like Dr.Brene Brown says, the more you talk about shameful things, the less powerful they become.