You think you are worthless. You think you are inferior to everybody else. You want people to validate you. So you try your best to impress people who you think are superior than you. Let’s say they are impressed. Initially you experience a thrill. But after sometime, something very interesting happens.
You start doubting the very person who was superior and ‘great’ in your eyes. You suddenly remember that it is *you* who chose this person. And you are worthless and inferior, remember? How can a worthless and inferior person choose well? In other words: you want validation and you get it. But now you doubt whether that person is *worthy* enough to validate you! Isn’t it weird?
Let’s take an example: Let’s say I try very hard to impress people so that they follow my blog. Now, this desire is okay to some extent. I’m talking about excessive pre-occupation with getting more followers. So, I do all sorts of things to attract attention. Let’s say I do get a lot of followers. But I will never be satisfied…simply because no matter how many people follow me, my worthless self will give me reasons why I’m still worthless. Here are some of the reasons:
1. Most of them are bots. Only bots will follow you because you are stupid.
2. They are following you so that you follow them. It’s not for your content.
3. Yes, the numbers are increasing but your blog is liked by ‘masses’ and masses don’t think!
No matter WHAT I do, I will be worthless. It is a vicious circle: you want validation to build self-esteem but the validation will only matter if you have self-esteem! Let’s pause for a minute and think about what’s happening here. Since I don’t respect myself, I want others to respect me. But how will I feel happy when somebody respects me unless *I* respect my opinion about them? If I feel I am inferior, I will eventually consider everybody I admire inferior because as per my worthless self, my judgment about them is inferior! In other words, a compliment like “Hey you are very smart” won’t make any sense to me unless *I* value that person. I can only value that person if I trust my ability to judge their ability to judge smartness. To trust my ability, I need to find self-esteem from within.