About an year and a half back, I tried to lose weight by eating fruits and sprouts at night and three rotis in lunch (my breakfast remained unchanged). I did this for like 7 months because of fear. I was not fat but had to lose few kilos for a healthy BMI (I recently read that BMI is not a completely accurate way of determining your health. Sigh!) because according to my doctor, these extra kilos were the reason why I suffer from a problem of irregular menstrual cycles. Guess what? I lost a lot of weight but my problem wasn’t solved. The post is not about that though. I am just fascinated by the way fear works.
So, after my weight-loss, I realized that I had to stop seeing the doctor because his advice was not working. I now had another problem: I was feeling weak because I have grown up eating rice (I always have the standard diet of 3 rotis in the afternoon though). A sudden change in diet was something my body couldn’t accept. And I had to admit to myself that this couldn’t be a long term strategy..I mean, I am not a Sadhu who can survive on fruits and sprouts. While the doctor was not completely wrong about the problem’s relation to weight, I was going to the other extreme.
What happened after this was amazing. The moment I stopped going to the doctor, I gained back the exact amount of weight I had lost. I didn’t eat a LOT, but i went back to my regular diet. My whole dieting thing became a huge joke. I was back to square one.
I realized that this is how my mind works in other areas of my life as well. Whenever I tried to build something out of fear, I succeeded initially but then was back to square one. Fear is extremely powerful. If I find out tomorrow that I have a serious health problem , then I will start doing what needs to be done. Or if I find out that my loved one will leave me, I will immediately change myself. That way, fear works. But the sad part is, fear cannot sustain anything for a long period of time and even if it does, you are damaged in some way or the other. Just like excitement, fear also loses its power after sometime. You need more doses of it, from time to time.
Fear is definitely needed but I feel that it cannot be the primary reason for something like a relationship or anything important for that matter.
I am wondering about the popular perception we have about ‘ordinary’ people. We say that they live in fear and don’t ‘live’ life. But maybe, what sustains them is not fear even though it does seem that way. Maybe, deep inside, they have strong reasons which keeps them going. Maybe, what keeps them alive is hope?
Maybe when we think about goals, we have to look beyond excitement and fear. Maybe, the vision has to be based on love while fear can be sometimes used as a tool. For example: I can set myself a target of blogging everyday but I cannot sustain it if I’m merely doing it to show-off. Eventually, I will drift away from the goal, because *I* don’t want to do it, I am only doing it for others. But if the discipline is coming from within, I will use fear in a wise way. It’s like reading books that you don’t love, just to impress others. Compare that to reading books that are difficult but serve your purpose.