What if your dreams won’t come true?

I have always been a dreamer. When I dream, I have absolutely no limits. I found strength in various books that talked about believing in your dreams and never giving up. I fanatically looked for people who pursued their dreams. But off late, I’m exploring a territory I have never dared to cross: I am opening up to the possibility that my dreams might never come true. And somewhere inside the depths of my subconscious mind, I have an intuitive feeling that it is okay. While I feel a sense of emptiness and fear, I also (surprisingly) feel a sense of freedom. Since my adolescence, I have been carrying these dreams and honestly, sometimes they get too heavy. And more often than not, I’m under enormous pressure to fulfill them.
Maybe, positive thinking and acceptance of reality can sometimes co-exist [Like Mark Manson says, “Accepting a negative experience in itself is a positive experience]. Maybe, we need to question the motive behind our dreams every now and then. Is our dream a way of proving ourselves to those who hurt us? Are our grandiose dreams a way to heal our childhood trauma? Our culture talks about dreams but rarely do we question why these dreams exist in the first place.
Opening ourselves to the possibility of our dreams not coming true is extremely painful. But strangely enough, you start finding happiness in the so-called small pleasures of life.
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Joy

As a child, I was a compulsive reader. I would read anything that I could get my hands on. I remember reading Pinki, Billu, Chacha Chaudhary, Tinkle, Champak etc. I also remember reading obscure detective novels and many other such books. Reading was pure joy.

When I entered college though, I read because I wanted to stand out. Being a victim of bullying in my school days, I had this desire to impress people around me, so that they would accept me. I read more and more so I that I became the most well-read person in my college.The joy of reading was still there but it certainly took a backseat. The admiration that I saw in my classmates’ eyes made me want to read more. Reading became a race.
As I navigate slowly in the fast-paced professional world, I get less time to read but when I do read, my focus is more on being productive in my profession. I stopped enjoying detective stories because my mind told me that I should rather invest my time reading non-fiction. The joy of reading is still there but it is sitting in the backseat, waiting for me to become aware of it. Reading has become a means to an end.
As children, we follow our intuition. We are naturally drawn to activities that give us joy. But as we grow up, we are told that pursuing things that give us joy is a waste of time. Ironically, we work hard and earn a living so that after we retire, we can do things that give us joy. Perhaps, life doesn’t work that way. Technically speaking, even sleep is a waste of time (because we are doing nothing) but that doesn’t mean we don’t need it! In the same way, doing things that give us joy is essential. Not everything in life has to be a race or numbers or productivity. There has to be a place for things that we do, just because we enjoy them.  #LessonsLearned #Reading #Books #Joy

Traffic Jam in my mind

The other day, we were stuck in a traffic jam on a road that had no traffic signals. The reason behind the jam was people (in the vehicles) refusing to let the others pass. Everyone wanted to the the first one to go and that resulted into chaos. Then, as it happens often in a traffic jam, few people came out of their vehicles and started leading: They asked few vehicles to stop and directed others to go. Thanks to them, the problem was solved. I don’t know why but I started comparing the traffic jam on the road with the traffic jam in my mind!

There are people who say that we shouldn’t think negative thoughts (as if we can stop thinking negative thoughts instantly!). There are some thoughts that I just don’t want to think. There are some thoughts that are so overpowering that I just cannot suppress them. However, I am egoistic and I want to be in control…so I try my best to fight the unwanted thoughts and replace them with the thoughts that I want to think…which ultimately results in a traffic jam in my mind! Perhaps, the best way to solve the problem of a traffic jam is to lead: Let the unwanted thoughts come…and pass ( In most cases, the intensity of the thoughts reduces after some time). This doesn’t mean I will just accept whatever my mind throws at me. The difference is AWARENESS. Being aware of what I am thinking means I am neither accepting nor rejecting my thoughts!

We cannot outsmart life!

Perhaps, the wisest among us are the ones who accept that we cannot hoodwink life. We can prepare for the worst but ultimately, no amount of preparation is enough. Unfortunately, our culture is full of messages that teach the opposite. We are taught that a mature adult is the one who doesn’t feel vulnerable (It is interesting to note that this message is similar to patriarchy’s message of “Don’t be a pussy”). So, when we grow up, we numb ourselves, devise strategies to outsmart life and death. Since spirituality is male-dominated, we have many teachers who talk about “permanent bliss”. But life is smarter than us.

The problem with passion

The problem with passion is that most people don’t have one. Very few people know what they want to do with their life and very few actually  do it.  What about those who haven’t found their calling? Is it necessary to dedicate yourself to a singular passion? Is it the only way? Like many people, I had these questions. Even though I chose a profession that I love, it’s not the only thing I love. I have multiple interests which are not exactly related to my profession. If you are like me, you would have criticized yourself for not devoting yourself to a singular passion. But what if there is another alternative?

Elizabeth Gilbert has a solution to our woes: She says that those who have not found one “calling” can instead choose to follow something more gentler and accessible: Curiosity. She says that passion is all-consuming, head-shaving-going-to-Nepal-to-start-an-orphanage kind of drama. Curiosity on the other hand is about the small things, those little clues that we find everyday. Those who religiously follow this curiosity live rich lives. If you have found your passion, then congratulations! But if you haven’t found one, then you can build an interesting life too. Watch this Super-Soul session with Elizabeth Gilbert  (click) to know more.

Think before you follow the herd

It is okay to follow the herd (just for the heck of it) but there are problems:

1. The ‘herd’ itself constitutes of different groups with different opinions. People often have contradictory opinions. A Hindu Brahmin might speak against non-vegetarian food while a Muslim may speak in favor of it.

2. What people say they like and what they actually like is sometimes different. For example, many Indian men look down upon prostitutes and porn stars but their hard drive is full of porn.

3. It’s too stressful to please everybody so, we have to pick and choose. If we are always going to disappoint somebody, then why don’t we do that while following our inner voice?

4.We often follow the crowd because we are afraid of being ridiculed. However, being inauthentic makes us feel ashamed of ourselves. If shame or ridicule is inevitable, why don’t we listen to our own judgment?

5. No one is going to take responsibility in case we follow their advice and things don’t work out.

Why we need philosophers…

In ancient times, there were philosophers like Socrates who went to people on the streets and asked them questions on happiness, ethics, love etc. Socrates could have just discussed all these things with the elite but he believed that each human being had the capacity to think and Philosophy, for him, was not just for intellectuals who discussed it over a cup of tea. Philosophy guides everything that we do, the choices we make and the way we treat the people in our lives. In ancient times, philosophers like Plato and Seneca wrote on various topics like human beings and their relationship with society, self-esteem, etc but today most self-help books and fanatic religious groups have killed people’s interest in self-improvement and their passion to know the meaning of life.  Unfortunately, Philosophy is considered a ‘dead’ subject’ now.

If your education doesn’t give you the tools to handle stress and challenges, then it is really useless. Schools and colleges are now introducing ‘life skills’ but we seriously need a culture where philosophers are respected. I think it was Plato (or was it Aristotle?) who said that philosophers should be given more power than kings in a society because the right kind of philosophers are not hungry for power. They use their equanimity to keep power in check and keep the society stable and peaceful. At the heart of obsession with celebrities, art, sports lies a desire to find a guide who will help us find solutions to issues that bother us. Hence, we need philosophers more than ever.

Knowledge doesn’t necessarily make you happier

​It’s a great time to be alive. We can now read about what great philosophers had to say about happiness. We have access to knowledge about the way our mind works. There are free courses on life skills. On paper, we have all the knowledge that we need to be more happier but in reality,  the happiness levels are the same. Maybe because obsession with knowledge is obsession with control. We believe that if only we know how something works or what is good/bad for us, we can manipulate life. Unfortunately, we cannot control everything. At some point, we have to surrender and accept that we can never have 100 certainty in anything. 

Perhaps, what we need is wisdom but like someone once said, it cannot be transferred. Knowledge can be acquired but to be more wiser, one has to walk alone. 

Balancing optimism and pessimism

I’m one of those annoyingly optimistic people who just don’t like to give up. Most of the times, I hide this quality because I know that it will piss people off. Sometimes, it is insensitive to suggest people to be optimistic when you don’t even know what they have gone through in life. After reading Martin Seligman’s ‘Learned Optimism’, I am acknowledging the importance of pessimism and hopefully, I will see things from others’ perspective as well. Optimism can be a great help during stressful circumstances, but sometimes, it is the reason why you are stressed out in the first place! As I am growing older, I am realizing that sometimes, it is wise to let go. Sometimes, situations are too overwhelming and you need to acknowledge the fact that they are too powerful. However, people like me also need to acknowledge the optimist in them..so what I feel is, that it is better to respect the situation..but at the same time, you do everything that is possible to get out of it. Instead of obsessing about ‘perfect’ situations, it is better to do whatever you can in the given circumstance. Sometimes, you cannot give your 100 percent…but instead of obsessing about perfect effort, it is better to do whatever you can, no matter how small it is. Usually, imperfect situations threaten optimists’ world view and they end up becoming depressed and do nothing. It is better to acknowledge that sometimes you can only do limited amount of things.

Trusteeship or ownership?

Long time back, I heard someone say that we need to treat ourselves as trustees to our life, body, mind and the planet. When we are owners, we kind of abuse what we own. When we are trustees, most of us are responsible and conscientious. For example: A father may  eat less or smoke or do something harmful to himself but when it comes to his child, he will urge him to stay away from bad habits. When we consider ourselves as the trustees (and not owners)to our planet, we might care about it better. I liked this thought but I feel there’s something missing…

An attitude of  a trustee could lead to a stable and better world but without ownership, there is no creativity. We may work hard and do our best for our organisation or any collective unit but without a sense of ownership, we are not satisfied. In practical life, we have a selfish side to us and it needs to be honoured too. Without a sense of ownership, we will be deprived of self-expression. The worst part of this is that the child in us will be abandoned. A child has no responsibility…she doesn’t have to care about putting food on the table. She doesn’t feel guilty about doing things that make her happy.But this child is important. Sports, Art, Entertainment are not ‘basic’ needs but they are important for human beings. Being a trustee (all the time)  kind of stops your growth. Being an owner  (all the time) can be harmful to the society. I guess we need both the owner and trustee.