Kya kare kya na kare yeh kaisi mushkil hai!

If a girl wears a short dress.

Society: Where are your sanskaars?

If a boy harasses the girl wearing the short dress.

Society: She was asking for it.

If a girl who was harassed complains immediately.

Society: You look like a slut (as if “slut” is an insult), you were asking for it.

If a girl who was harassed gathers courage and speaks up after a long time.

Society: Why didn’t you speak up earlier?

If a girl who was harassed doesn’t complain

Society: See, it is your fault!

If the girl who was harassed is “attractive” and was wearing Western attire

Society: You are a slut. You were asking for it.

If the girl who was harassed is “ugly” and was wearing traditional clothes.

Society: You are a behenji. Who would harass YOU?

If a girl leaves the office early

Colleagues: I wish I were a girl! I would have left early too.

If a girl stays at office for work till late night

Society: If something happens to you, it’s your fault!

If a girl talks too much

Society: We can’t stand girls because they talk too much

If a girl doesn’t talk much

Society: Hey, why are you so quiet? Women are supposed to talk a lot! Be feminine!

If a girl wants to become a homemaker

Society: Tu toh pati ke paiso pe jeeti hai.

If a girl wants to be financially independent.

Society: You are selfish.

If girls demand separate ladies compartment

Society: You want equality and yet you want special privileges

If girls share the compartment with guys and if a guy harasses a girl

Society: It’s her fault! Girls should sit at home.

If a girl dresses up to impress boys

Society: If something happens to you, it’s your fault!

If a girl doesn’t dress up

Society: Girls MUST impress boys. That is the reason why you are alive!

If a girl dresses up for herself

Society: You are so selfish!

If a girl obsesses about her looks

Society: Girls are so self-obsessed!

If a girl doesn’t obsess about her looks

Society: Be feminine! Act like a girl! You have to impress guys.

If girls are against girls

Society: Girls can’t stand together!

If girls support girls

Society: Feminazis!

P.S. Girls, no matter what you do/what you wear, there is absolutely NO ESCAPE. As you can see, society gives contradictory messages to us, so that we are forever stressed about some IDEAL, which cannot exist (as it is full of contradictions). Doing what you love is difficult and stressful but listening to these endless contradictory messages is injurious to health!

Problem with the arranged marriage ‘market’

The problem with the arranged marriage ‘market’ is the obsession with perfection. The bride/groom must be flawless. Men and women want to marry someone who doesn’t bring any risks. But a life partner is supposed to stand by you during tough times, right? If a guy marries a girl for beauty then how will he stand by her during her old age? If a girl marries a guy for money then how will she support him during tough times? The planets and stars may be perfectly aligned but life will be never be a smooth ride. If pain is inevitable then why do young men and women hide all the flaws and risks?

The problem with people who cannot say “no”

I have observed this in many Indian men (I could be wrong but I have seen a LOT of Indian men doing this). They talk a lot about the importance of respecting parents, which is fine. I am not even debating against this statement..because we should treat our parents with respect (and all other human beings..as long as they are not harming others). But there is this obsession among many Indian men to make their parents “happy” which is also fine..because .who doesn’t want to? However, they often justify the pain that they cause others by saying that they did whatever they did for their parents. This is not just limited to Indian men.This could apply to anybody who has a problem with saying “no”.

When a relative of mine got married, he made great promises to his life partner. He said that both of them will be equals. He was very nice to her and genuinely cared about her life and dreams.  Apparently, his parents were not happy with this approach and they shamed him for not doing what men should be doing i.e. he is not “real man” if he cannot dominate his wife. This man is so devoted to his parents that he changed himself and started treating his wife as his inferior. Of course, there must be much more than this to the story..I mean, I have only heard the story from one party’s perspective, but it doesn’t matter whether the story is true or not. The point is, that such people do exist. And these people say that they did what they did because they didn’t want to hurt their parents. They will also say that parents are equal to God. They will tell you that when you say “no” to someone, they get hurt…and they don’t want to do that. Of course, we must care about the emotions of our loved ones, but not to such an extent that we are blind to others. In the example, the man cared about his parents’ emotions but ended up hurting his wife. He believes that since his parents have sacrificed so much for him, he has to obey them. But he doesn’t think that even his wife’s parents have sacrificed so much for her..if their daughter is hurt, THEY will be hurt too. If parents are equal to God, then even his wife’s parents must be equal to God…right? By that logic, we cannot say “no” to ANYBODY because every human being was born to somebody and hurting a person would mean, hurting his/her parents as most parents want to see their children happy! Isn’t this absurd?

What if your father wants you to do X and your mother wants you to do Y? Now your logic is that you must listen to your parents…but which parent will you listen to and why? What if your mother is an alcoholic, who always asks you money to buy alcohol…will you say “no” and stop giving her money? Why would you do that? Why are you disobeying her?

The problem with saying “yes” or “no” is that saying “yes” to someone is saying “no” to somebody else…because human beings are connected. You can, of course, hide your selfishness behind “oh but I didn’t want to hurt that person by saying no” but we all make choices every second of our lives and when we choose something, we reject something simultaneously. So don’t say that you did X,Y or Z because you don’t want to hurt people. No, you did what you did because don’t want to hurt the people that matter to YOU…no matter what you do, there will be people who won’t be happy with your choice. Now this doesn’t make you a bad person…human beings have limited time and they cannot say “yes” to everything and everyone. So they prioritize..and that’s completely okay.

Problem with most Indian parents

The problem with most Indian parents is that they want you to be a child and an adult at the same time. An adult is somebody who makes his or her own decisions and takes responsibility of the consequences. To do that, one has to make mistakes, learn from them, see what works and what doesn’t and arrive at a strategy. But most Indian parents want their kids to obey them. They basically don’t want their children to think. And then suddenly they push you into the world and ask you to conquer it. They ask you to get married and have kids. Now, an adult needs to have the confidence to make decisions. If he or she can’t do that, how can he or she raise kids? So you have to be a parent and make decisions on behalf on your kids (you are supposed to dominate your kids and if you don’t you are a loser) and at the same time, you have to be a child and obey your parents, blindly, even at the age of 50.

These contradictions make life extremely stressful. I mean, most parents in India believe that parents are God…and the only qualification you need to become God is becoming parent. By that logic, aren’t most children future Gods because you are anyway going to get them married and emotionally blackmail them to have kids? Can others’ parents be your Gods or only your parents your Gods? If all parents are Gods then is it okay if your child decides to listen to some other parent? What if your child wants to listen to a parent who is from other religion?

Life as an unmarried woman in India

If you are a Indian woman above 25 and unmarried, there is something wrong with you. I don’t want to generalize and I know things are changing but most Indian women have to go through this. And the worst part about all this is that you don’t have anybody to look upto. Sure, there are women who are standing up for themselves, but they are rare. Lack of strong female role models in your family makes things really different (atleast for me).

The interesting thing about this post is that while I was writing this post, my cousin (who is younger to me. Sigh!) emailed me pictures that she clicked for ‘suitable’ guys. And the whole arranged marriage process is weird. I am not saying it is wrong, if it works for you, good luck. But I personally find the whole idea dehumanizing to a large extent. I have vowed to never get into this arranged marriage drama but it’s tough. Atleast for me, more than the societal pressure, it’s my own mind which loves guilt trips. You are made to feel guilty since childhood especially in India. I keep thinking, “Oh my God! I’m hurting my parents, they have done so much for me.” Of course, they have done a lot for me, but to marry someone just to make them happy? I will be very blunt here but I find it ridiculous that you are not even allowed to meet people of the opposite sex but one day, you are expected to sleep with them?

Intellectually, I understand that there is nothing wrong with making my own choice but emotionally it drains you. What’s ironic is that you are fighting this battle for your dreams, for your passion, for freedom. But this battle drains you so much that you actually become listless. Sometimes, you just want to give up. You can read all the feminist books in the world and question everything but emotions and conditioning are completely different things. Questioning and using your brain is important early on but after a while, your brain can’t help you because human beings are emotional beings. I mean, when you see how attached your parents are to society’s opinion about your unmarried status, you will feel bad for them.

I guess what keeps you going is a sense of responsibility, not just to your own authentic self but also to the girls who will be in the same place as you are, today. Also to women who are presently fighting the same battle. You might not know who they are, but in your heart, you feel a sense of belonging. You feel responsible because many women fought for our freedom and it is easy to take that for granted. You might even start enjoying the fight.

I am not saying that those who get married through the arranged marriage system cannot be role models or cannot be authentic or cannot find happiness or freedom. They certainly can. But if this doesn’t work for you then you really need to realize that the battle is not going to be easy. You REALLY need to have a lot of self-love to survive and also, you need love for others too. Yes, even those who are ‘against’ you. Yes, that very society which tortures you with endless questions. If not for them, atleast for your own sake, you can’t get too angry with them because it will only affect you. I mean what’s the point of fighting for peace and freedom if you are going to be bitter most of the time and be a slave to your emotions? Plus, you do need to empathize with people because at the end of the day, they are human beings like you. I am reading this book called ‘Art of happiness’ by Dalai Lama and some other writer and His Holiness says, that once you remember that everybody is just trying to be happy and avoid pain, you will feel empathy. I don’t follow this, atleast not often, but I hope I won’t have grudges against them and see them as my ‘enemies.’

There is this activist who says that the best form of activism is living life the way you want without apologizing to anybody (of course, he doesn’t mean you hurt others in the name of freedom). I guess this is what young women in India need to remember.

Some people in India do this to a widow

Your husband dies. Words cannot describe this experience, so I won’t even attempt to write about it. But I will write about something that I experienced first hand at my grandfather’s funeral. This was the day when I finally started taking gender equality seriously.

My grandmother got married when she was just 12 and my grandfather was just 21. I’m not adding up the number of yours that they spent together. So, what happens when this shocking incident happens? You are put in a room and locked. You are under house arrest. You remain in that room for like 3 days. This happened just a few days after my grandfather’s death. And why do you do this? Because it’s Indian culture. I honestly have no idea why they do this. I tried asking some people but I didn’t want to make things more painful for them, so I just controlled myself. I don’t know the reason but I find it inhumane. But let me tell you what happens after the room is opened.

Some 100 relatives come and see the widow, one by one. And before they enter the room, the women put “kumkum.” To me, this is the most inhumane thing that someone can ever do. I felt that this was deliberately reminding the widow that your husband is not alive anymore, but hey, my husband is alive, and here’s the mark to make you feel more depressed! It felt like sadism.

I heard that in some parts of India, there are worse customs. Widows are ‘decorated’ from head to toe and then, slowly, they break their bangles, wipe away the ‘bindi’ etc.

The most important thing that a widow needs at a time like this is emotional support, someone to be with her..so that her mind can deal with the shock. But the exact opposite happens in these customs.

I expressed my opinion to my aunt and she felt the same. But it was something that “had to be done” because you will go to hell if you don’t. Honestly, *this* was hell.

There are more customs to torture women. The deceased person’s son’s wives cannot visit their mother’s home unless their sons first visit and stay there for a night. It’s okay if you find it hard to understand because it is nonsense. My aunt, i.e. my father’s brother’s wife’s mother is not well but her daughter cannot visit her because of this stupid custom. In short, customs are more important than humanity. If your mother is seriously ill, you have to wait for your husband (Whose father has died) to visit your mother’s home. Both the customs were designed to torture women. However, it’s not just women who suffer because of these customs. My father was not really allowed to even think about his loss because he is a man and men are expected to take care of all responsibilities like inviting guests, organizing the function, etc. And the worst past is that they are not allowed to cry much. They are expected to be strong and not show any kind of weakness.

I hope the flagbearers of “Indian culture” understand that women and men need compassion and understanding during such difficult times. Life is already tough but customs like these make things worse for people.